Learning from Virtual Relationships

I feel a special attraction to the virtual world, and within it, to virtual interaction. At times I feel that it hooks me and fulfills me more than the real world. I may even say that my virtual relationships are much better than the face-to-face relationships I have. Sometimes that freaks me out completely. Today, however, this triggered some reflection.

Did this preference for virtual start with internet?

No. Not at all. When I was a little girl I started corresponding with a relative who lived in the other end of the continent and the thrill I felt each time the postman brought me one new letter was amazing. Also writing mine was a time of self-discovery, when I organized ideas, prioritized absolutely everything in my life, and went deeper into my feelings than in the normal everyday routine.

Later, as a teenager, I decided to collect stamps and I ended up corresponding with twenty pen friends who lived far away in this continent (Mexico, Colombia, etc.). In the meantime, I enjoyed my letters with my uncle more and more. He had a huge influence in several of my important life choices.

Then internet appeared in my life: first e-mail, then chat, communities later.

Today most of my human contact is through the screen of my computer. I could justify this saying that I don’t have too many possibilities to go out or visit friends, but the naked truth is that I often enjoy virtual contact more than real contact.

On one hand, I realize that I’m very easily influenced by other people’s moods. My empathy with my interlocutor is huge, leading me to a zone where I lose some of my own centre, personality, or self. If the interaction is face to face, and my interlocutor is depressed, I will spend a big amount of energy trying to figure things out for him or her, giving suggestions, attempting to cheer the person up and to make a difference in his day. The consequence is always the same: when I’m back alone, I’m finished. Energy has disappeared and I have to search the rooms within myself to see if I find Patricia somewhere.

In e-mails, however, time is a big ally. If a person writes to me depressed, I read the e-mail a few hours later, I answer it later still, and his new answer usually comes in a different tone. In face-to-face contacts, however, depressed people usually go on an on whining about whatever situation they are suffering. Don’t get me wrong... sometimes the whining human being is me! For some reason I sometimes get into the whining momentum and don’t seem to be able to stop. However, when I write an e-mail, I may state some negative circumstance that I’m living at the moment, but the twist will always be positive.

We have more chances to think before writing than to think before speaking, or at least to erase and re-write before sending it. This results in a much more polite exchange, were people balance topics, centers of attention, as well as the rhythm of the conversation. There is not only one person speaking about one same subject for two hours in a row, for example.

A controversial aspect, intertwined with this, that I can identify is the fact that we can be whoever we want to be with the screen. Do I want to be the always cheering, always smiling buddy for everyone? Well, it’s only a matter of picking the right picture at the profile in question and the right words. Also not writing when I’m feeling down. This of course has its counterpart: whenever you meet a virtual contact in the real world, be prepared to find a stranger... Mr. All-Peace-&-Love may be Mr. Violent, Mrs. Politeness may become Mrs. Selfishness, or any other unexpected combination.

For those of us who get easily bored with one subject, it comes in handy to be able to jump from a conversation about philosophy to kitchen recipes, horoscopes then job opportunities and Wikipedia articles about things that we would have never guessed they would matter... not to others and not to oneself, but within a second, there we are in the process of reading about them. Has it happened to you that you receive a PowerPoint presentation about Einstein, with witty quotes, and you rush to Wikipedia to read about the Relativity theory? I know that not everybody takes the same action, but have you at least felt the out-of-the-blue curiosity for the Relativity theory or any other subject that is not normally in your scope of interests thanks to some e-mail a friend sent you?

The huge amount of learning possibilities that the virtual world provides is amazing. I am hypnotized by the fact that I’m just one click away from nearly every knowledge I may wish to reach. And, theoretically at least, we are also just one click away from any person with internet connection.


Some Pros of Virtual Relationships

Here I list a few of the advantages of virtual relationships over face-to-face relationships.

* Each part takes action when they really feel like doing it, so basically the two people involved are in the best disposition for communication.

* We have time to think and re-word before answering.

* Most people are more polite in writing than talking, both in form and content. People first ask you how you are, then start telling you their lives. And they usually ask you about your life too. This balance sometimes is lost face-to-face communication, and you find yourself listening for hours to a selfish, nonesense, repeated monologue.

* People praise other people much more easily by e-mail or chat than they do face to face.

* If one of the parties get bored, it is very easy to give an excuse and leave the conversation without causing any bad feeling to the interlocutor. “The phone is ringing”, “I must finish something”, etc. are reasonable excuses that are well-received by the other.

* We all want to show the best us and we are rather successful in doing it in writing. In face-to-face interaction our emotional system often deceives us, and there we are, once again, saying what we don’t want, or reacting in a way we wished we wouldn’t.


Some Pros of Face-to-Face Relationships

* The interaction is way more honest: our body expression shows much more than we consciously choose to show. When we hear something we like or we don’t, the other will notice the little signs in our face or body.

* There is a personal energy flow that takes place, and that makes one relationship very different to another one.

* There is a huge range of reactions. Dozens of – sometimes subtly - different smiles and laughs, for example, that are difficult to state in writing. People shake, cry or yawn, and it’s good to know it.

* There are tones. There is intonation. There are registers and pronunciation differences that speak so much about our background. They also exist in writing, but they are different and not that evident as when talking.


Taking The Good of It All

Let us take some of the pros of our experience with virtual relationships and apply them in the face-to-face relationships, and we will have the best of the two worlds.

Let us meet our friends when we really want to do it. Let us honestly say things like “I prefer to see you at some other time” without feeling the need to explain why. Simply because is a great reason.

Let us think before answering. Although communication can get a little choppy at first, once we get practice, everything will flow just normally.

Let us always be polite and balance the center of attention. Let us listen. Let us ask only when we are interested in receiving an answer!

Let us praise the other more openly – though honestly – when being face to face. No harm may result from honest praise.

If we get bored or there is something in the interaction that is not feeling good, let us say it.

Monitor our feelings while interacting and whenever the feelings are not as positive as we want them to be, we may stop and think what in ourselves needs alignment.

Virtual relationships are a part of our lives already and we are learning a lot from them. They will never replace face-to-face ones. They are one more way to share. And they may help us improve our face-to-face relationships by considering what we value in virtual interactions and doing our best to apply that into face-to-face interaction.

Let us be better!